Comics: Best of the Box!

As I'm winding down E's GI Joe Comic Index and after another trip to the San Diego Comic-Con, I've come up with a new gimmick that should keep me entertained for the next year or so.

I was reading The Onion at lunch today and they ran a local article covering "6 Greatest Graphic Novels of All Time". The usual bullshit was included: "oh, Watchmen, Maus and R. Crumb are so great...yadda yadda... let's suck the respective shlong of these books for the 8 millionth time in creation". Usually I enjoy The Onion's occasional forays into comic books, but this was complete and utter CRAP. Have a fucking original thought.

Sure, I enjoyed Watchmen, but I have weird tastes. I like cheesy/shitty superhero fare by the Big Two. So how would I select MY personal faves from my collection of crap?

Well, it turns out that I've been re-locating all 33 of my longboxes this summer. Just moving them, temporarily, from my upstairs studio to the basement to avoid the summer heat. So why not go through each one and pick the BEST book of each longbox? My favorite, or the one book I would save, if I had to sell that specific box.

When I'm done, hopefully I'll have spotlighted 33 books that I actually ENJOY. Plus, it'll be a good step in possibly clearing out my memory banks and remembering some of the reasons why I read this type of junk.

I'm curious to see what my selections will be. Each "best of the box" pick will have some unique selection criteria, too. For instance, my "Avengers" collection spans two boxes-- with most of the Silver Age classics packed in one box. All 33 boxes are arranged in one gigantic alphabetical order, so there should be some interesting picks. For another instance, I know one "T" box is filed with about 200+ issues of 1950's "Tarzan" comics, plus other assorted non-noteworthy crap. I'm not sure what I'll pick from that box.

Inside-the-parkers

An inside-the-park homerun is usually a rarity in baseball. But this year I've seen TWo of 'em, live.

Back in June, I saw Jeff Baker hit one while I was at the Rockies-Indians game. Just last Friday, I saw another Rockie, Seth Smith, hit one against the Pirates. Very weird, because in all the baseball games I've seen in-person --probably 200 or so, dating back to 1992-- I've never witnessed an inside-the-parker. Now, this season, I've seen two. Closest I had seen was a double with a two-base error, during a Rockies-Pirates game in August 1995.

To add to the peculiarity, tonight I'm watching the Pirates-Astros game and Freddy Sanchez hits an inside-the-parker. Which makes me wonder: who was the last Pirate to hit one of those? I want to say Jason Kendall hit one, circa 2001.

Anything they won't release on DVD?

Last weekend I was trying to condense my large VHS tape bookshelf in my basement. It has my old first-run WWF tapes, GI joe cartoons, Dokken videos and other crap I thought was preserving at some time. In my early 20's, I started a string of "superhero cartoons" where I'd get up at odd hours to record random DC and Marvel TV adaptations.

But now, most of the rap I recorded has been released on DVD. On top of making some vintage stuff available to the masses, it also has the added benefit of killling the bootleg market at comic "conventions". Good. I never bought such crap on the basis that I refuse to pay 30 bucks for 7 low quality episodes of "Aquaman" burned on a PC to some stooge wearing a skin-tight Count Chocula t-shirt.

So I've been throwing away some of my "Superhero Cartoon" tapes, as they've mostly made it to DVD. Stuff like: 1970's Super Friends, 1990's Batman and (soon), the rare The rare Hawkman, Atom and Justice League shorts have helped to clean out my lump of tapes.

It appears DC has done a better job in the DVD rond-up than Marvel has. Although Marvel did release the awesome Spider-Man- The '67 Collection a few years back. I've heard rumors of the old "Marvel Super Heroes" TV shows being released for years, now. Same for "Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends" and even 1994's "Iron Man". I'd expect these will come along within the next five years or so. Unless there's some huge hurdle I'm overlooking (most likely, copyrights and royalties).

But I thought I found something on my VH tapes that would never make the conversion:

Birds of Prey - The Complete Series

Or, "Broads of Prey" as I used to call it (*rimshot*). This turkey was plastered all over bus stop stations and the ariwaves for weeks prior to its release. I was a casual reader of the comic and taped the pilot episode for giggles. I thought someday, when I was drunk enough, that I'd cue up that episode and do a scalding review of it on Some Awesome Website. Dammit...foiled again! Bah!

I guess I'll have to settle for the 1990 "Justice League" live-action movie or the Roger Corman "Fantastic Four" movie. But I'd better transfer them to DVD before the tapes dry up.

Step-off!

Saw this in one of those "have a good day and SMILE" forwarded emails:

Cool idea and it'd be worth spending 50 bucks at Lowe's on some hardware to make it a reality. Just concerned whether or not it's structurally safe. If I hollow out two of my living room steps, will I one day hit the board wrong, then end up with my buns and calves in the basement?

I'll also need to check to see if my mammoth size 13 boats will actually FIT inside a drawer beneath my stairs.

DWS Secret Invasion at San Diego Comic Con!

For the second year in a row, Da' Wrestling Site will be infiltrating the San Diego Comic Con. No booth or anything, but we will be passing out promotional postcards.

If you spot yours truly, feel free to walk up to me and receive your FREE Limited Edition CLAWHOLD, only available at Comic Con 2008! I'll be volunteering to work a three hour shift on Saturday, then attending like a regular schmoe on Sunday.

We're also attending the Padres/Diamondbacks game at PETCO Park on July 28. Same offer applies...but your FREE Clawhold will be somewhat less prestigious.

Blowjobs! They're in the fucking Bible!

TIME magazine has a feature story this week that sounds like something George Carlin could've had fun with. Basically, some preacher (from the Bible belt of Memphis, no less) is saying that it's okay to have sex, lots of sex. No shit. They even cite a specific passage as a call for blowjobs:

From TIME Magazine

Genesis, chapter 2 verse 24, says a man "shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh." But how liberally to define cleave? That was the very special Bible query the Rev. Stacy Spencer and his wife Rhonda took up last month with 252 married people at their New Direction Christian Church in Memphis, Tenn. And the Spencers' answer was ... encouraging. Does frequent sex have a place in marriage? Yep. Oral sex? Read the Song of Solomon 2: 3 for assurance. How about role-playing? One participant expressed a yearning to see her husband dressed as a police officer. The Good Book offers no specifics on that, so Stacy Spencer allowed that it was up to the woman, "as long as you're not lusting after a particular officer. Jesus talked about spiritual adultery, and that could be spiritual adultery. But if it's just a generic cop, go for it."

So no role-playing mentioned in the good book, but I've heard that beastiality is in there, somewhere.

I could hear the late, great George Carlin having some fun with this. Sex and religion seemed to be favorite sources of humor for him. I can visualize him on stage, saying "Howabout those blow-jobs?! Hey, they're in the fucking Bible!"

DC: more "continuity porn" (almost literally)

I've heard the term "continuity porn" attached to DC Comics' efforts of the last four years. With their revered attitude towards 1982's JLA, dusting off old villains, then connecting almost all of their superheroes into a goofy "club".

But today, I was asked if the newest "Titans" series is simply an excuse to display Starfire and her orange goods. Long a favorite subject of monkey-spanking fanboys (and even Ambush Bug, if you remember her swimsuit pic from 1985), she's been conveniently losing her clothes and appearing in suggestive poses over the past few years.

So in that regard: yes, the new "Titans" series IS another excuse for Starfire "fanboy porn" (with clothes). Similar effects are being done with Black Canary, Zatanna, Power Girl and Phantom Lady. The next issue of "Justice League of America" that does NOT feature a gratuitous buns n' fishnets shot of Black Canary will be the first. Zatanna used to be a second-rate female Dr. Strange, but now she appears showing off her gams every chance she gets. Even appearing with a slutty garter belt at times. It's like DC's artists are all 13 year old boys, who can't afford the courage or money to buy "real" porn...so they make this pseudo-porn of "crappy superheroine sexy poses".

But what do you expect from a company whose iconic female character has run around for the past 70 years in a swimsuit with red hooker boots and a weakness for bondage?

It gets worse in the fan atmosphere. Do a Google Image Search of any DC female character and within in the first page of results you'll see something x-rated. Even someone as obscure as Flamebird can be seen getting jizzed or showing off her snatch. Look...we all have the Internets and if we want to see nekkid chicks, there are better ways to do it. Seeing Granny Goodness spanking Supergirl is just sick. Some latenight fantasies should stay tucked into a fanboy's mind.

As bad as this is, we haven't hit rock bottom. Yet. That point will be reached when we find an X-rated image of Amanda Waller. That big, booty-licious black broad with the body that won't quit....mmmmm.....